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The tennis court you play on is 60’ X 120’ but unlikely to be grass or clay acrylic-cushioned surface. The net is 36 inches at the centre and 42 inches at the sides. Yes, that is why going down the line is more difficult. The neighbouring court is a minimum of 12 feet away, even though older mismatched tennis balls will constantly roll onto your court. The tennis court might be at a vacation resort, posh tennis club in debt, or low-budget tennis club with serious term deposits.
Why join a tennis club? Possibly you wish to give money to an organization that in turn will be rude to you. It used to be prestigious to belong to a tennis club just like membership to an exclusive golf club. Another reason, of course, is to find tennis partners. But that doesn’t really work well. The best way to play lots of tennis at a tennis club is for you and your friends to all join up together. Just check with whom you are playing after two years. Anyone new?
If you don’t live in Nice, San Diego, or Maui, then you will likely want access to indoor tennis courts. But of course, all the time you play inside, you want to be outside. When tennis players are inside they complain about the light, heat, and noise from players in the third court who appear to be enjoying themselves. Of course, you must not appear to enjoy yourself. Oh no! Sometimes you will hear a tennis player talking harshly and being very critical. At first it is not clear whom they are addressing, but then you realize they are doing it to themselves. They are coaching themselves, and it must be good as no one says it’s wrong, along with grunting and other sounds. But if you laugh or congratulate your opponent, you will be asked to keep quiet.
Your court is probably outside, provided free by the municipality. When tennis was more popular, it was difficult to find a free court, but now it’s easy, except during the Wimbledon Fortnight, again, six weeks before the first Monday in August. Playing outside is fraught with difficulties. It might rain on the way to the court or sort of try to rain while playing. The net may not be regulation height and could fall before lunchtime. There is one puddle in the corner that can’t possibly disturb the game, except it has a black hole effect on your new Fort3 tennis balls, which in turn dirty your freshly-laundered grey and white shorts. And then while picking up one of these stray balls from a bush, you disturb a wasp’s nest; one of the wasps taunts you, invades your new well-coordinated tennis clothes, and finally stings you.
The sun comes out, along with an eight-knot southwesterly wind fit for kite board sailors; hitting tennis balls off your orange Radical7 with a tension of 50 lbs. becomes a random and rare occasion. Insects get in your eyes. Dogs may appear and later their owners. Now come crying children with little rackets. An uncle starts giving a tennis lesson to his five-year-old nephew in loud Croatian. Some reversed-baseball-capped skate-boarders perch on Councillor Cyril Tyring’s commemorative $2,400 park bench and break all sections of the noise bylaws with their portable rap music machine. Basketball youths who had friends on Sun Peaks Quad Chair appear from nowhere. They have near future plans on the courts, which do not involve the nets. They bounce a regulation-size ball to a four-count beat. All one needs now is for the Shriners to strike up the band, but a train goes by for an interminable period, drowning out sound on earth forever.
There is tennis talk and tennis walk, and it helps to know them both. Tennis talk is quite easy, really: (1) know which major games are taking place, watch the first ten minutes and ask how Tim Henman did; (2) know the names of two or three tennis pros and speculate how good a player they used to be; and (3) say you stopped using your arm last year and now have to rely on your torso, and that you have been trying to take the ball early. You can mention your latest injury and which physiotherapist you visited, but don’t bring up other aliments. You can mention downhill skiing but not other sports like cycling, basketball, trail running, rock climbing, or swimming. Sort of makes tennis players a little edgy, as they tend to only play tennis.
Remember many tennis players are looking for ways to dislike you, so you might as well leave it to playing and not to the talk. Unless you are a rock star or the mayor, I suggest you don’t mention your job, as most people won’t understand what you do, and again it makes tennis players a little uneasy. Why? Well, to put it diplomatically, many tennis players do not appear to be career oriented. You also risk being interviewed in between serves by some vice president or other big hitter.
The walk is harder than the talk. The tennis walk is confident but not rushing. Now be careful when opening doors and gates; carry the designer tennis bag on your shoulder, not in your hand, and ensure nothing is dropped, especially… You must not run, as this is not the transitional stage of a triathlon. You are meant to be thinking. And don’t look around too much. Be careful to whom you nod and say hello, and never hold any long conversations. Try not to walk on the court alone, or else people will think you are taking a lesson or looking for the ball machine. Conversely, leave the court with someone; it makes you look popular and shows that you did not fight with your partner. You are looking for your next game? Aren’t you?
This piece appeared previously in Wild Cards.
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About John F. Joyce
