The Scent of Passionate Indigestion

By R.S. Lindsay

Burger King has released a new cologne called "Flame," which is described as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat.” In other words, if you use this cologne, you'll smell like a Whopper.

If it weren't for the fact that Burger King released this cologne in December (just in time for the holidays), I would think this is an April Fool's Day joke. At this point, I'm almost tempted not to continue with this article. It's just too easy a target. The opportunities to razz Burger King for this are just endless.

According to the AP news release, the "Flame" cologne is being sold at Ricky's, a New York City men's boutique store. "Flame" is also available online at FireMeetsDesire.com.

But, trust me, you DON'T want to go to there!

The Web site features an Adobe Flash ad video promoting the Flame cologne. The ad video features the grinning Burger King character lying half-naked in a seductive pose on a bearskin rug in front of a blazing fireplace, in a takeoff on the "male model cologne ads" that appear in magazines.

At various points in the ad video, the Burger King (1) points to the viewer and makes a "come hither" gesture, (2) pats a bare spot on the bearskin rug as if inviting the viewer to sit down beside him, and (3) plucks petals from a rose and tosses them on the floor. The Flash ad is accompanied by seductive-sounding "Playboy video" music, and a voice-over that makes occasional suggestive comments (i.e. when the King pats the bearskin rug, a seductively-deep male voice says, "Stop, drop, and roll-ll.")

I cringed when Burger King came out with their "Wake Up With The King" TV commercial. You remember that freaky ad, where the guy wakes up to find the Burger King mannequin sitting in his bed. The Burger King then serves the guy a Breakfast Croissanwich.

The Web site video for Flame cologne tops the breakfast commercial in terms of sheer creepiness. The sight of the leering, half-naked Burger King lounging on a bearskin rug is the first Web ad I have ever seen that truly made me lose my lunch. I'm seriously thinking of consulting a hypno-therapist to see if they can help me to erase the memory of this image from my brain.

Anyway, the Web site advertises, "The WHOPPER sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME cologne by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

I personally have not eaten at Burger King in several years. But I think if this cologne truly "captures the essence of the Whopper," they should have called it "Heartburn."

The "Flame" cologne is available for $3.99 for a one-ounce bottle. But the Web site does not answer some important questions that I have. For example:

  • Since this is a Burger King cologne, can you get "Flame Your Way?" For example, can you get a "Flame" cologne that smells like a Whopper with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, and extra onions, hold the pickles?

  • If you want a "Flame with Cheese" cologne, do you have to pay 30 cents extra?

  • Will Burger King come out with a "Flame Jr." cologne for teenage boys?

  • If you order "Flame" from the Extra-Value Menu, do you also get a cologne that smells like French fries, and another cologne that smells like a soft drink?

  • Will Ricky's — the New York store that sells the cologne — install a drive-thru window and an intercom system so that drive-in customers can pick up a bottle of "Flame" to go?

It seems to me that Burger King is marketing "Flame" to the wrong target audience. They should call it a "perfume" instead of a "cologne," and should market it to women. After all, what single, non-vegetarian male wouldn't go crazy for a woman who smelled like a Whopper?

If a man wears the "Flame" cologne, it will not make his girlfriend feel more romantic towards him, unless she happens to be on a diet. If his girlfriend is a vegetarian, she may dump him in favor of some guy who wears a cologne that smells like tofu.

However, I'm afraid that any man who wears "Flame" cologne may end up attracting the wrong group of admirers. Any day now, I expect to see the following news story: "A man was rescued today after being chased for twelve blocks through a suburban neighborhood by 27 barking, salivating dogs. The man was forced to climb a tree to escape the dogs, who were attracted to the scent of his Burger King "Flame" cologne."

I suppose this could be the start of a trend. In the coming months, we might see other restaurant chains coming out with their own cologne products. Burger King has named their cologne "Flame" because it is flame-broiling that produces the taste of their burgers. So I suppose, in keeping with this theme, KFC could come out with a fried chicken-scented cologne called "Deep-Fat Frying." Or The Olive Garden could come out with a pasta-scented cologne called "Pot of Boiling, Salted Water."

But I really think "Flame" may turn out to be hazardous to those who wear it. After all, if you are wearing a cologne that has the essence of a Whopper, you are probably absorbing cholesterol directly into your skin each time you wear it. "Flame" should come with a warning label: "Wearing this cologne may cause clogging of the arteries."

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get my tuna casserole out of the oven.