A Gas Grows in Brooklyn

By Dean Borok

The debate over Global Warming heated up over a confidential report that warns of an impending disaster caused by flatulence being released from the butts of fat people in Brooklyn.

“This crisis could raise the earth’s temperature by as much as 50 degrees,” asserted Anton B. Schmucklevitch, director of The Methane Institute in Washington, D.C. “When calzone combines with Chinese egg rolls in the intestines of fat people, a noxious gas is produced that dissolves the ozone layer in the atmosphere and produces a greenhouse effect capable of obliterating all life on earth.” Fat people are particularly hazardous because of their increased gas producing capacity. “The average bus driver is capable of producing one thousand times more methane from one can of Cheez Whiz than a fashion model snacking on a Power Bar,” asserted Schmucklevitch. “We must act now to protect future generations from suffocation.”

An additional hazard to Brooklyn residents is that drivers of SUV vehicles, who favor the large-size cars because of their increased capacity to accommodate fat butts, are sometimes subject to gas attacks which force them forward in their seats, resulting in their feet pressing down on the accelerator and causing the vehicle to run up on the sidewalk, crashing into pedestrians and store fronts and putting grandmothers and small children at risk.

Many proposals have been put forward to combat the flatulence crisis in Brooklyn. One concept, designed by Continental Pipeline Corporation, which markets natural gas, is to distribute Gas Collection Kits to all people with large backsides. The kits, designed by Hyman P. Buttman, consists of a plastic tube which fits snugly in the rectum, attached to a balloon which collects the gas. “The ingenuous element of this invention is the patented computerized valve that control the flow of gas from the user’s butt and prevents leaks into the atmosphere,” proudly asserts Buttman. “That should make the morning commute of transit riders much more pleasurable."

Naturally, pants would have to be widened to accommodate the ever-expanding volume of gas, which would be collected at conveniently located collection centers. Is the fashion industry up to the challenge of making attractive plus-size styles that could accommodate an ever-expanding bag of gas sticking out of a fat person’s butt? We asked the eminent fashion authority P.U. Tordley of Plus-Size Consultants. His idea? Bring back the bustle, an eighteenth century fashion concept that accentuated women’s posteriors. “Only instead of just having bustles in dresses, we would put them in pants and shorts, even in bathing suits. That way you would be designing ladies fashions that would be environmentally responsible. As for the men, no real he-man from Brooklyn is going to be thrown off his game by something as inconsequential as a bag of gas sticking out his butt.”

Could the volume of gas harnessed from the fat backsides of Brooklyn have an effect on the nation’s balance of payments? “It would certainly be a plus factor for the economy,” said Nutley Bagel of The Treasury Board. “We could eliminate shipments of liquefied natural gas from Bolivia.” Just think of it — the Backsides of Brooklyn wipe out a whole South American country. Thank you, Brooklyn!