Couples Counseling

By Margaret Karmazin

They entered the Counselor's consulting room, a minimal affair with rounded gray walls, subdued lighting and beige flooring. It contained a small brown chair, nondescript couch and softly-lit beverage table holding two glasses and a pitcher of water.

"There isn't even any art," said Alena to her partner. "I hope his mind isn't as bleak as his surroundings."

"Try to be civil," hissed Bern, although hissing was not his usual style. He was a genial sort of person and under normal circumstances found it difficult to be nasty.

They seated themselves on the couch. Alena helped herself to the water, while Bern sighed and raised his eyes to the featureless ceiling, which he appeared to study intensely.

After a few moments, a door in the wall slid open and the Counselor entered. He was small in stature, quite thin, and appeared to be ancient. He seated himself in the brown chair, crossed his legs and fixed his large dark eyes upon them.

"You are here because Headquarters sent you," he affirmed.

Alena huffed and stared past the Counselor's head at the featureless wall. Bern answered for them both. "Yes, Headquarters." He sighed again and examined the floor. "They think we've been causing a bit of trouble."

"Have you?" asked the Counselor.

Bern hesitated. "I...uh...I suppose so, yes." He glanced at Alena. "Yes. But, well, she started it." Of course as soon as the words left his mouth, it was obvious by the flushing of his cheeks that he knew he sounded pathetically nitwitted.

"Did she?" asked the Counselor. "How so?"

Alena snorted, but Bern went on. "She had her underlings mutilate my cows. Not only cows, but a whole herd of sheep in Israel. And even some dogs belonging to a farmer in Montana. Dogs! There was absolutely no call for such behavior."

The Counselor was silent for a moment, then turned to Alena. "Is what Bern describes accurate?"

She tossed her head and said, "I suppose that, yes, literally it's accurate. However, may I point out that before I did any of this, my esteemed and supposedly loving partner caused a hurricane to sweep over the southern coast of North America, killing hundreds of his own human beings and setting back my weather controls by a good six months. Now everything is thrown off course even more than it already was, and I simply cannot slow down the pole melt. This could spell disaster for the entire project!"

The Counselor nodded and turned to face Bern, who was lighting up a Cuban cigar. "I don't permit smoking in here," said the Counselor. "You'll have to put that out."

"It's a disgusting habit," put in Alena, wrinkling her face. "And you know what damage it does to biological systems."

Bern made a minute face at her, then glanced about for someplace to crush out the cigar. The Counselor rose and disappeared through the sliding door to return with a small dish. "Here," he said.

Bern obliged.

"Is what Alena says factual, Bern? Did you indeed bring about a hurricane and cause this damage she speaks of?"

Bern sighed. "Yes, but it was entirely accidental, which is more than I can say for her actions. I was performing an experiment in Brazil involving a Virgin Mary sighting when my holographic equipment suffered a malfunction and spiraled off over the Atlantic, shooting laser blasts into the ocean and somehow screwing up the Gulf Stream. All this weather business is not my domain, and I really had no idea that what happened could cause such a turmoil. Alena didn't give me a chance to explain, let alone apologize! Then she let loose her notorious temper and well...the results were disastrous."

"Disastrous?" she barked. "You call a few cattle having their anuses removed disastrous? What's that compared to the melting of the poles? Why, this entire planet could be flooded! As if your silly animals even come close to the magnitude of my responsibilities!"