Meet the Clydesworths
By Chris Martinez

Introducing: The Clydesworth Dynasty!
November 12, 2001

Todd: "Do you smell money, Skip?"
Skip: "Sure do, Todd!"
Todd: "Where do you think such a lovely fragrance is coming from?"
Skip:"Must be my new 'Essence of Wealth' designer cologne!"
Todd: "Or that new roll of Ben Franklin's I used to wipe my ass this
morning!"
Both:"Hwaf Hwaf Hwaf!" (prep-school chortle)

Enter Skip and Todd Clydesworth, youngest, most up-and-comingest, promising, handsome, apparently wholesome, athletic, purebred, officially Christian, utterly insincere, yet devilishly charming platinum trophy additions to the Clydesworth Dynasty, a family every TV American loves and adores, even if they're not on TV (yet)! Gosh, you could even say they would be "America's Official Family" if there were such a wonderful thing - and there should be. (Purchase all four Skip and Todd dolls for only $59.99 - comes complete with matching polo shirts, one-liners, pastel V-neck sweaters, and smug smirks!) But the
best part is that these two All-Americantm gems are real,
flesh-and-blood, breathing, shopping, voting, varsity-ranking guys!

Golly, y'know I'd tell ya there were some pictures of them at the
end of this page, but you'd just zoom right to end to catch an early glimpse of these wonders of perfected modern human breeding! Hey, I'll bet you did - you took a peak, didn'tcha? I don't blame you! Aren't they just magnificent? They aren't even trying. And that's the thing - they never "try" or "do," they just are... and that's what they do best!

Skip and Todd have a father, of course - a dapper gray, chiseled
older man with a fondness for Roy Rogers, game hunting, and quietly reading Hemingway below the elk head in his golden-lit east den. He prides himself on these original, unique traits, all the while "giving a rightful nod to good-old-fashioned tradition" and chauvinism. This accomplished (note: still virile) father's name is none but Dick...

"Name's Dick Clydesworth, pleasure to meet you. Here's my card." Rectangular smile and a firm handshake, slips his personal business card into my palm without my even noticing at first - I like that in a man. He taught that valuable corporate technique to his sons at the ripe age of 10.

Dick Clydesworth posing in one of his famous "business kind of moods."

And his sons - he's so proud of his boys, Skip and Todd. Especially during Thanksgiving, because that's what Thanksgiving is all about, or something. Anyway, Dick Clydesworth knows exactly why this society's so mussed up. Let him tell you: It's because there's too many darn (pardon the language) people out there expecting handouts that the rest of us red-blooded working Americans have to pay for with these sky-high Democrat-levied welfare taxes that are breaking our glorious Capitalist system, God Bless it.

"That's right, my good sons are the perfect examples of
hard-working, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstrings American citizens. Sure, they each have one of my platinum cards, matching BMWs, and a new Abercrombie and Fitch wardrobe every time the old clothes get dirty, but that's how I let them know their hard work of 9 credits and participation in club sports at Yale deserves reward, unlike all those lazy lower-class people expecting money for nothing."

Meet Gary "Champ" Thromsdale, business partner, bud, sportsmanlike head of rival family, and "all around good guy who knows a thing or two around the block once or twice and wasn't born yesterday."

...Back to Skip and Todd. A little trivia about the two of 'em. For the ladies who like wavey-blonde hair and tan-bed-orange skin, Skip will oblige with a wink. And for the girls who prefer darker hair and eyes (but not too dark), there's Todd, leaning on his golf bag with a fetching grin. And my goodness, just look at them flash those thousand-dollar, insured teeth! That's their "appearance investment," as Mom would say. *Glint*

Speaking of Mom, her name is Betty. Boy is she a great cook. And cleans too! Yup, Dick can always count on her for womanly service. She really doesn't mind when Dick and the boys make fun of her gaining "a little paunch," really she doesn't mind. Really, it's okay. Just a few more hours each day on the stationary will burn those pounds off, uh huh, sure will. Sure will burn them off in a giffy... Burn 'em off, God damn it, or your name isn't Betty Clydesworth... Oh those silly boys do joke about that butt! Ah well, like Todd is fond of saying, "Mom's great. She sends me food and stuff at school. I can't say enough about her. So, did you catch that sweet Princeton game?"

No photo available of Betty Clydesworth.
"I said no pictures, damn it!!!"
Everything's fine, everything's just fine.

Did someone ask if Skip and Todd play sports? Funny you should ask! At a lean, lithe 6'2" and 6'1", there should be a law that says they must (chuckle)! Yup, though both love all competitive sports, each has his favorites, of course. Skip's fav is crew - "I can enjoy the great outdoors, stay in shape, and get a great tan all at the same time! Not to mention, the girls love that wet, shirtless look!" Todd, on the other hand, well he's more laid back. He likes to think of himself as a kick-back-and-enjoy kinda guy. So, he prefers the soothing, delicate - even poetic - art of golf: "I tell ya, nothing gets me in 'the zone' more than a good round out at the links! Okay, well, maybe doggy-style on Hole 11 is just a bit better! Putt putt!" (sporting thumbs-up). Todd's a kidder, he is.

Other than that, out at Yale, Skip is a business major and Todd is in pre-med. They love talking at length about academics. Says Skip, "Dad asks us about them [our classes] all the time. He really cares about our professional futures, I guess. So, did you catch that sweet Harvard game?"

Both are members of the Yale College Republicans. Dad made them. They don't mind, especially since Republicans like God and business, not the atheist hippy commie welfare peacenik immigrant liberal media conspiracy responsible for our not owning Mexico yet. Or was that the Democrats? Ah, when in doubt just vote for a Bush, whatever side they're on.

Girls? Let's not even talk about girls. Once you get Skip and Todd talking about girls, you'll never change the subject! Boy, a girl should consider herself privileged to be bedded by a Clydesworth buck, even if it is just for one hot minute. Literally. And don't talk to them afterwards, they "hate that pillow talk shit." Oh, bless their darling hearts.

Yup, you could say Skip and Todd are America's proud future. They have everything any American would want: money, looks, nice clothes, smarts... Well, okay, just money, looks, and nice clothes. But who needs smarts when your dad got you into Yale, your last name is Clydesworth, and a Bush is in the White House again? Y'know, if more lazy poor people took after good citizens like Skip and Todd and were born into rich, powerful families, they wouldn't be expecting handouts all the time, would they? What's wrong with those poor people anyway?
Golly.

And here they are! Skip on the left, Todd on the right. Just look at those grins, wouldja?! Wow! Both are relaxing after a long day out on the lake (Skip) and the links (Todd). Thanks to a "little modeling stint on the side," they can use these photos for introductions, conversation starters, and the backs of their fledgling business cards. Fantastic!