Princess and the 21st Century Space-Age Mattress
Pete, my roommate, is a strikingly handsome guy; he’s tall, blonde, strong, jovial, and he’s equipped with what a girlfriend of mine once described as, “A face to die for.” My girlfriend. She said that about Pete, to me. Thanks, honey. Pete’s got this problem, though. Pete only dates crazy people. I know what you’re thinking: “Women, am I right?” No, you’re wrong. I mean, wait, Pete dates women, yes, but not in the “all women are crazy” sense. The women Pete finds are straight-up...
Read MoreBarbarian Soiree
“Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes.” – Luke: 12:37 I text my girlfriend: “Maybe the menus are carved in stone.” A sophisticate in the waiting area talks on his cell, and gapes at a meat slab on a rotating spit. A teenage boy with jeans tighter than a court jester’s leggings detaches from his phone and snorts as a meat-bearer—they call these guys “gauchos”—passes him. Here at the bar, the carvings in the crown molding have all the refinement of a shore of bludgeoned seals. And that wainscoting? With the decorative edges?...
Read MoreDear Mr. Shakespeare
Dear Mr. Shakespeare: Sir, some are convinced that your wisdom and creative genius are unsurpassed; others believe someone else is writing those so-called masterpieces that bear your name. To point 2 above, I say “Sir Francis Bacon? Christopher Marlowe?” To point 1, I say “Baloney!” I have waded through your most recent bloodbath, Macbeth, which you recently proffered for publication. Having recovered from several nightmares about drowning in an ocean of blood, I am ready to respond. Since I can’t address every weakness in this lurid “historical”...
Read MoreSurvey Says
after Komar, Melamid & Soldier Come on down, it’s time to play The Feud. Top five answers are on the board. We asked 100 inebriated literature professors to name something about the most unwanted poem. Buzz! A haiku. Show me haiku! Number one answer— McGonagall family, will you pass or will you play? They said bring it on. Tell me something if you know’em about the most unwanted poem. Forced rhyme. Good answer, good answer. Let’s see forced rhyme. All right, William? Addressing insensate things. Oh, glorious game board; show me odes to inanimate objects! You might sweep this...
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