‘Humor’ Archives
Young Love
Arlan and Diana met at Freshman Orientation. She fantasized running her fingers through his thick, curly hair. He ogled her tight, round ass. By the end of their first week of classes, they shared breakfast at the Union every morning and dinner in the evening. A few weeks later, he mentioned that his roommate had dropped out, [...]
Thanksgiving
On the eve of Thanksgiving a woman phoned her sister-in-law to ask what she might contribute to their annual meal together. "You're coming then, Amy?" asked the in-law. "I always come, Molly. We talked about it last week." "Okay," Molly said. "You don't remember?" A pause ensued, then: "You come right along, Amy. [...]
Reading Between the Lines
His arrival was preceded by his reputation. Ziggy was a legendary hell-raiser. Not your old style boozer: the open a bottle of Scotch and throw away the top because it won’t be needed again. Ziggy was into everything. “Every day: four grams of coke, two bottles of tequila and a couple of six packs to wash it down,” he boasted on The Daily [...]
Bro, I’m Gonna Get My Serenity on So Hard!
(a prose apostrophe) It's Friday night, dude. You know what that means. Meditation! Nothing better after a long week at work than centering your spirit through some wicked peaceful meditation techniques and then banging a chick's aura. Don't worry, man. I got it covered. I invited the ladies over to party tonight. I'll play some sweet [...]
Never Again
The blue light rotated hypnotically and alternate shades of dark and light skittered across Jim’s face. I squirmed deeper into the leather passenger seat of his yellow Camaro, then briskly rubbed my thin face with both hands. I glanced into the passenger side-view mirror, but all I saw reflected there was the velvety night and [...]
The Last Ant
The Extinction of Cook's Bi-Articulated Hairy-Legged Carpenter Ant Edward must have known he was the last of his kind. As Dr. Peterson, head of the Moore Labs, was fond of saying, "Dying is easy; lifting 32 times your own weight is difficult." Nonetheless, no ant has ever been as pampered as this remnant of an obscure subspecies, [...]
The Mobile Classroom
Ten minutes into the first lesson I see one of our cars on the road. I'm not sure who is instructing, but it's probably Thomas. I abandon my route for the moment and have my student turn each time Thomas does. Five minutes into this tailing, my driver asks, "Are we following that car?" "Yup," I say, "it's one of ours. You two want to have [...]
Letter from the Patent and Trade Office: You Can’t Patent a Time Traveling De Lorean
Dear Dr. Emmett L. Brown, We have received the patent application (Appl. No. 04/567,892) for your invention, “the flux capacitor.” Having carefully reviewed all of your documentation, I regret to inform you that we are unable to grant you a patent at this time. While we were fascinated by the claim you make in the application abstract — [...]
Root Canal
Could he have possibly heard that right? Zack held his eyes shut, though he felt he was thoroughly awake. Well, not totally, but he had definitely not gone into la-la land like he usually did under nitrous oxide. It could be due to his heightened anxiety or the fact that he felt like a corpse somebody dug up, then dragged [...]
Laundry
I do the laundry in my household and I do it well, I might add. My wife undertook the arduous task of teaching me the finer points of color and fabric separation after I ran a tie-dyed T-shirt all over her favorite silk blouse. Interestingly, I’ve discovered I have Dacron/Rayon blindness. I have made great strides in laundry since I first [...]
