‘Humor’ Archives
Letter from the Patent and Trade Office: You Can’t Patent a Time Traveling De Lorean
Dear Dr. Emmett L. Brown, We have received the patent application (Appl. No. 04/567,892) for your invention, “the flux capacitor.” Having carefully reviewed all of your documentation, I regret to inform you that we are unable to grant you a patent at this time. While we were fascinated by the claim you make in the application abstract — [...]
Root Canal
Could he have possibly heard that right? Zack held his eyes shut, though he felt he was thoroughly awake. Well, not totally, but he had definitely not gone into la-la land like he usually did under nitrous oxide. It could be due to his heightened anxiety or the fact that he felt like a corpse somebody dug up, then dragged [...]
Laundry
I do the laundry in my household and I do it well, I might add. My wife undertook the arduous task of teaching me the finer points of color and fabric separation after I ran a tie-dyed T-shirt all over her favorite silk blouse. Interestingly, I’ve discovered I have Dacron/Rayon blindness. I have made great strides in laundry since I first [...]
Sckwao
It begins with six wayward Scrabble tiles: “sckwao.” “Which means what, exactly?” Ted asks. “It’s an onomatopoeia,” says Conny. “You know, the sound you make when your —” she clears her throat “— sexual organs get caught in something.” “I don’t know. Is it in the dictionary?” “Conceivably. If you were [...]
The Custard Cow
You’ve seen them by the roadside, swishing flies while munching in slow motion: so much mass for so few twitches, yet so satisfied, you simply have to poke them. Nothing else could lump like that, so fatly dignified. Let’s stop a second — right there, by the fence, And try to make it snuffle. If we tied its tail to [...]
