Computers are taking over the world. Yes, I can see it happening. Okay, maybe I never should have watched The Matrix. But I still say it can happen.

Computers have driven me nuts for as long as I can remember. So of course, I work with them for a living. What can I say? It just kind of happened. I started out a writer and ended up a graphics designer. As much as I work with them, you’d think I’d understand them more. But I think I’m even more confused than ever.

It’s also ironic that someone who used to claim to be anti-Mac should work with them all day long. Not that I didn’t see that coming. When I first learned pagination in college, I was told that Macs were used almost exclusively in the newspaper business. So, maybe that’s part of the problem. I’m a PC gal in a Mac world.

Actually, I do think I know the problem. The computers have an attitude. No, really, they do.

Now, I know what you’re going to say. Computers can’t feel or have independent thought, yadda, yadda, yadda. But the more I work with them, the more I start to wonder.

Sometimes, it’s something simple. Like recently, I’ve noticed that whenever we’re pretty well caught up at work, everything seems to work really quickly and really smoothly. The little glitches that never seem to work right suddenly are gone.

On the other hand, when we’re especially busy or when I’m trying to cover for somebody on vacation, all of a sudden everything goes wrong. So, instead of leaving at the most a half hour late because of the person on vacation, it becomes an hour late or more because of all the technical problems. This happened not too long ago, when the editor of the small weekly paper where I work was on vacation. Although the one computer had been having minor glitches, the little problems suddenly became worse when the computer started restarting by itself - even if nobody had touched it for quite a while. (When I told my supervisor, he told me he had never heard of that happening before. That was reassuring.) Of course, when the editor came back, everything was just wonderful again.

Let’s move on to my favorite - the printer. It seems whenever I’m waiting for something out of the printer, it never comes out. (And while I’m at it, why does it always say “print time - normal” when it takes almost 10 minutes to print one page? That doesn’t seem normal to me!) So, being impatient as I am, I go and stand by the printer to see if it’s going to come out. Still, nothing. Finally, I start to walk away and finally it comes out. I actually started just pretending to walk away to try and fake it out. So far, that plan hasn’t worked. So, now I’ve come up with Plan B - yelling at it to print. I also try this when I send something to print and then realize I have to change something. While I’m pressing the keys to cancel it, I also begin yelling, “No! Stop!”

On a somewhat related note, I have also tried this with the new microwave. It’s one of those with the one touch buttons that are supposed to make your life easier, and they probably would - if you actually understand what all of them did. For the first week or so, every time I wanted to nuke something, I would have to consult the manual to make sure which button I was supposed to push. Now whenever I accidentally press the wrong button and I can’t remember where the stop button is, I start yelling “Stop!” So far, that hasn’t seemed to work. Go figure.

Well, lately most of the computer problems seem to happen at work. But all is not paradise with my computer at home - my brand new computer that I bought after a power surge fried my old computer. Don’t get my wrong. Overall, it works great. It makes my seven-year-old Zenith seem like an antique. But there have been a few minor glitches, just annoying enough to make me want to start screaming at my printer.

The most annoying of the glitches has been the printer error messages. I have this wonderful new printer that is supposed to print much faster than my old printer. However, at first I couldn’t print at all. And the best part is, I couldn’t figure out why, because it kept giving me error messages in German.

Of course, German is not a language I’m even vaguely familiar with. If it had been Spanish, that would have been fine. I had three years of high school Spanish, and I probably would have remembered enough to give me a vague idea of what it was trying tell me. If it had been French or even Italian, I might have muddled through it. There isn’t that much of difference between those three languages.

But, no, my computer chose to speak to me in German. If I had actually spoken German, it probably would have chosen Chinese or something. I wondered out loud to some of my friends if it wouldn’t help the situation if I began swearing at it in German. Unfortunately, I don’t know any German swear words.

For awhile, it seemed like it would be easier just to buy a German/English dictionary. But somehow I found the problem, and the menus are now in English - most of them, anyway. But the important thing is that it’s printing now.

That’s just a few of the reasons why I’m convinced computers can take over the world and why The Matrix isn’t that far fetched. If you’re looking for me, I’ll be the one using the old Smith-Corona electric typewriter. It’ll probably give me a lot less headaches.